Seeking God in Grief

Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief.

Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went away full, and the Lord has brought me back empty.

Ruth 1:20-21

I never dreaded Mother’s Day until Trevor passed away. Today it was dreadful. The loneliness is excruciating, I am not ashamed to admit it. They gave gift tokens to all the mothers in church today. They called each one out and they took photos on stage. I shouldn’t have sat near the front, because when the women in the first few rows were called, I found myself alone. It’s a dreadful feeling, like being alone on a little island and everybody watching you.

I looked behind me and saw some people. I guess those women don’t have children. Most of them were unmarried, they call that ‘single blessedness’. Maybe some were married but don’t have children. I don’t know how many are childless widows like me. Not many I guess.

I’m not blaming anybody for my grief. I don’t blame God certainly not. But I do ask Him: oh LORD how strong do You really want to make me? Why does church always make me feel so dreadful?

When they were finished taking photos, Audrey passed by me and greeted me. I think she felt a bit sorry for me. I went out as quickly as I could, and waited outside for Jerry. I wondered what would be a nice thing to do. Go home or eat somewhere? I decided on the latter. I don’t want to go home miserable. I thought it would be nice to be alone for a while in a nice place with nice things to eat and talk to God.

Before Jerry came, Audrey greeted me again. This time she gave me that gift token the church gave to the mothers. I was so happy. It doesn’t take much to make me happy really. When Jenny passed by I told her, jokingly, “oh Audrey just made me her adopted mom!” The gift token had Audrey’s name on it, which I thought was funny. They personalized the gifts. I felt even happier because now I have something with Audrey’s name on it and will remind me of her quiet kindness.

Jerry arrived and I asked him to take me to Chido Cafe. I sat where I had a lovely view of the sea and the island. Trevor and I used to eat here often. Trevor’s birthday is on Thursday.

A Theology of Grief, devotional by Alistair Begg
When Naomi returned to Bethlehem, leaving the graves of her husband and sons behind in Moab, we can only imagine the pain and grief she experienced as she came back to familiar places and faces. What thoughts and memories would have emerged?

By Fatima

Artist, Writer, Farmer. Born in Manila, lives in Bohol, Philippines.