The LORD will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into His heavenly kingdom. To Him be the glory forever and ever. Amen.
2 Timothy 4:18
I was born and raised in a typical Filipino family that adhered to Roman Catholic religion. I went to Catholic schools.
At age 16 I went to university. There I encountered campus Christian evangelicals attacking Catholic heresies.
So I went back to my highschool and asked my religion teacher “why is the Catholic church so corrupt?” He answered “well, it’s a man-made institution.”
Back at university, campus evangelicals were fiercely criticizing popular culture but presented little of the true Gospel. So I was intrigued and attracted. They backmasked rock music to reveal hidden demonic messages. That captured my fascination with the occult.
Instead of the Bible, I read books on witch trials. Instead of the Gospel, I learned cartomancy and palmistry.
Instead of hating sin and obeying God, I wrote stories hating God and celebrating man’s conquest of evil.
After university, I outgrew the occult and pursued my ambitions. I won art competitions and started teaching at university. I won research grants, published in academic journals and books. I got invited to speak at conferences, art exhibitions and workshops in many different countries.
By age 35 I considered myself to be a success. Then I decided to settle down.
I told the man, 24 years older than me, that I wanted to live with him. I was married for 18 years.
All those years, the relationship was a struggle. I was subjected to relentless criticism and insults in a relationship that I expected to be a successful partnership. Within a year, I began to experience mild depression. A psychiatrist prescribed antidepressants. Shortly, my husband and I moved from Manila to Bohol.
I gave up my career to focus on making married life successful. I became a housewife and livestock farmer.
In 2013, a destructive earthquake destabilized the delicate mental balance I was trying to maintain. Living far away from family and friends, I fell into depression again. Consulting with a psychiatrist in Bohol, I was given antidepressants. Ultimately, I was just keeping afloat in a godless marriage.
With the COVID-19 restrictions, I succumbed to depression once more. This time, my husband and I decided to consult a psychologist.
From August 2020 to January 2021, my husband and I were in therapy with a very popular Bohol psychologist. This psychologist had a newspaper column, ran a private school for children, taught at a university and was active in Catholic charismatic ministries. But his therapy worsened my condition.
After couple’s therapy in October 2020, what started as mild depression became destructive and violent behaviour towards my husband.
When I terminated therapy and filed an ethics complaint, the psychologist threatened me of reprisals.
In his defense against my complaint, he falsely claimed I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. He also shamed me by circulating confidential documents and drawings acquired during therapy. I struggled to fulfill the requirements of my ethics complaint because I couldn’t find a lawyer to help me. Lawyers said they couldn’t help because they worked with the psychologist in their marriage annulment cases.
In January 2023, I won my ethics case.
The psychologist was found guilty of misrepresenting his credentials and engaging in multiple relationships in violation of ethics rules and professional standards.
But maltreatment in therapy, the blaming, shaming and threats have resulted in unspeakable misery.
I could not tolerate my emotions. I couldn’t control my actions. I was destroying things in our home. I was pointing knives at my husband and accusing him of rape. I was crying, screaming and hitting myself. I tried to hang myself with a rope used for tying pigs for slaughter.
In December 2022, my husband became seriously ill. In my broken mental state, I did everything I could to keep him alive. Before he passed away I managed to tell him, “I’m sorry. I’m grateful. I wish we had more time. I love you.”
In April 2023 I became a widow with no children, far away from family and friends, struggling with grief and the mental brokenness caused by therapy.
I fought on, determined to start a new life. I believed I could carry on like before. Until one day, I began to fall apart.
I desperately tried to save myself by going back to Catholic church. I paid someone to pray for my dead husband. I tried Buddhist meditation, Qigong and traditional healers. I went to a cardiologist who prescribed antidepressants. I even went to another psychologist who told me to identify my “triggers” and take anxiolytics.
But my condition just became worse. Religious rituals terrified me, antidepressants made my arms and legs tremble, psychological methods made no sense anymore. I was afraid of sunrise, sunset, bird songs and rain.
I couldn’t eat and physical activity was becoming difficult. I thought I was going to die.
A couple of times, I went to Dr Jefferson Ong, a medical acupuncturist, for treatment. My husband and I knew Dr Ong since 2013. I knew Dr Ong was Christian but I didn’t know he was a church elder. This time, my conversations with him were no longer little pleasantries or polite exchanges on some Bible verses. They were confessions of despair quickly taking over me.
The most surprising confession I began to make was something I previously didn’t believe in: I am a helpless sinner.
On June 16, 2023, I sent a message to Dexter Tiempo, pastor at Shepherds Arms Foundation, an orphanage in Dauis. My husband and I knew Dexter and his wife Gilda a few years back when they visited to buy piglets and a goat. Dexter responded to my message and came immediately with his wife and 4 other pastors visiting from Cebu, Mindanao and the US. I told them of my misery. They read verses from the Bible and they prayed.
That afternoon, although I knew very little of the Bible, I deeply felt I was the person spoken to in Ephesians 2:1:
“As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins”! When asked if I repent of my sins, I didn’t give that same lame “yes” reply I gave the campus evangelicals over 35 years ago. Instead my soul wept to God for the offenses of my arrogance, indignation, anger and uncontrollable rage.
Previously, I disliked all notions of sin and repentance. All I knew was some cheerful, loving Gospel version. I believed everybody was good by nature.
Besides, how could I be a sinner when I was the victim of abuse and maltreatment! But this time, I knew I was a sinner deserving of death. I have no righteousness, I was never seeking after God (Romans 3:10-12), and my heart is deceitful and wicked (Jeremiah 17:9-10).
All my life I prided myself on my self-sufficiency and goodness. With that, I knew I deserved to be left alone to fend for myself and die. But God is rich in mercy!
That day, I began to heal. My symptoms were replaced by a growing desire to read the Bible and pray. At first, I had a hard time reading the Bible when topics of death, suffering and calamity were mentioned. I interpreted 1 Timothy 5:5 as a direct curse on me by God.
The Psalms, however, became my first source of comfort. I felt the psalmists were with me in my sinful helplessness. I wasn’t alone! In the Psalms I learned to wait upon the Lord. How could anyone dare make demands on God! Who am I to think I have done anything for myself!
The Psalms made sense of all my suffering. It wasn’t for nothing. I was crushed and humbled sufficiently before a just God who would vindicate me.
I also began to recognize the conditions for God’s promises in the Bible. I desired to obey His decrees. The true Gospel began to overcome me. I no longer feared reading the rest of the Bible.
The Word of God also protected me from false preachers. I refused suggestions that I still need to do things to “complete” my salvation. I refused the indoctrination that I am saved if I “decide” to accept and follow Jesus. I was extraordinarily sensitive to rituals that claimed powers to rebuke spirits of any kind. I was appalled at misappropriations of selected verses in the Bible. I fiercely rejected suggestions that Jesus is not God. And when false preachers discouraged my fondness for the Bible, I read the Bible even more!
It is true that those whom Jesus calls know His voice and He knows them by name. Nothing will snatch them away from His hand! (John 10:27-28)
In August, just two months into my new Christian life, Dr. Ong’s wife Jenny became my discipler. We met on Saturdays in Tagbilaran City. We talked about Jesus as much as we pleased! Jenny also invited me to an online ladies’ Bible study on the Book of John. In December 2023, I started going to a local Christian church that preached Scripture.
Now I realize that these things coming into my life are part of the fulfilment of God’s promise in Philippians 1:6.
My heart began to grow very fond of Jesus and I finally understood what it meant to have a personal relationship with Him.
I used to be ashamed of any mention of the name of Jesus. But now I can’t stop talking about Him.
I also didn’t understand what it meant to be “born again” until it happened to me. John 3:7-8 became a personal reality. 1 Timothy 5:5 no longer felt like a curse. Instead it became a blessing. Imagine, all night and all day I can pray, worship, seek and set my hope on God!
Looking back, I realized what I experienced was the saving grace, the unmerited favor of God.
The people who exploited me in my most vulnerable state were nowhere to be found. The psychologists either ignored me or just made patronizing comments. I no longer felt bad about them. I knew that like myself they are all wicked sinners in need of God’s mercy. So instead of getting angry, I prayed for them!
I begged women in my village to stay with me at home but they were all busy with their own families. The loneliness and grief was achingly difficult. Soon it became clear that God was teaching me to depend on Him completely. 2 Corinthians 3:5 is truth! Our sufficiency is from God alone!
Now I see people as desperately needy. This is the urgency for every person: that when they die, they are only either saved or damned.
I remembered all those dying people in hospital when I was caring for my husband. Thus, my desire to be a witness to others grew. John 15:16 spoke volumes when previously it didn’t. God saved me for His purpose and glory. I must share this to others!
Today, I stand fast in the faith by the Bible. Knowing that all mental distress is rooted in sin, I bring my symptoms to the cross of Jesus.
Repenting of my sins of self-harm, suicide attempts and destructive rage brought rest to shame and guilt in ways psychotherapy couldn’t achieve.
The Word of God truly has the power to renew the mind and regenerate the spirit.
I experienced the truth of 2 Corinthians 5:17. The old things have passed away and all has become new. The prescription of Paul in Philippians 4:6-8 is my daily therapy. The doctrine of justification by faith in Romans 5:1-5 beats all models of treatment in psychology or psychiatry. What greater validation is there than our justification by grace through faith in Christ alone! Matthew 6:33 set my priorities right. The great commandment (Matthew 22:36-40) and the great commission (Matthew 28:19-20) gave my life direction and purpose.
In Jesus I have peace because He has overcome the world (John 16:33)!
For over 50 years I lived in the ignorant darkness of sin. But Jesus who suffered and died for my transgressions became the first to rise from the dead. And He has proclaimed light to me and to the unsaved (Acts 26:23). Oh Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever! Salvation is of the LORD!
Fatima Lasay, July 2024 in Baclayon, Bohol, Philippines
And you were dead in the trespasses and sins
Ephesians 2:1 ESV
as it is written: “None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.”
Romans 3:10-12 ESV
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?
Jeremiah 17:9 ESV
She who is truly a widow, left all alone, has set her hope on God and continues in supplications and prayers night and day,
1 Timothy 5:5 ESV
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
Philippians 1:6 ESV
My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand.
John 10:27-28 ESV
Do not marvel that I said to you, ‘You must be born again.’ The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.”
John 3:7-8 ESV
Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God,
2 Corinthians 3:5 ESV
You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you.
John 15:16 ESV
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV
do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Philippians 4:6-8 ESV
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5:1-5 ESV
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
Matthew 6:33 ESV
“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”
Matthew 22:36-40 ESV
Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”
Matthew 28:19-20 ESV
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33 ESV
that the Christ must suffer and that, by being the first to rise from the dead, he would proclaim light both to our people and to the Gentiles.”
Acts 26:23 ESV