Break My Heart, oh God

I thought I have forgiven until I became the forgiven.

There’s an awful lot of lying going on out there. I’ve been very naive. The worst lesson was from Kit Balane who (1) misrepresented his credentials claiming a PhD in Clinical Psychology from Ateneo (he was found guilty of violating ethics rules by the PAP), (2) claimed a Psychiatrist diagnosed me with Schizophrenia (an outrageous lie, I was never diagnosed with any mental illness); (3) claimed to be the Director of AMOMA Mental Health Center (the Center has no position of Director); (4) sent me a threatening message via email to my husband; and (5) is actively involved in Catholic charismatic movements.

Writing this, I suddenly remembered something. When I called for a reconciliatory meeting with Balane, I started with a prayer called ‘Break My Heart God’. I wasn’t yet a regenerate Christian, so I didn’t really appreciate that prayer. Nonetheless, I was surprised when Balane, in his attempts to apologize, uttered, “You broke my heart, Fatima.” What a disfigurement of the prayer!

That prayer was a call for repentance, to turn away from all patterns of sin, away from pride and self-righteousness and to turn to Jesus Christ. The heart of man is deceitful and wicked (Jeremiah 17:9-10) and only God, through the Spirit, breaks the most hardened of hearts. I was asking God to break Kit Balane’s unrepentant heart!

Then two years later, even though I was the one abused and aggrieved, God broke my heart. Was God cruel? No! He is merciful and just! All of humanity is fallen and defiled by hatred, greed, lies and deceit, envy, rage, gluttony, lust, fear, boasting, pride. It doesn’t help to be naive and think that humanity consists of angels! Why do you think we have laws and codes of ethics, keepers of peace and order — not perfect, but these make the difference between living a life and fighting to live!

So yes, I was treated unfairly, I was treated very badly. I won my case, but a lot of damage was done, my husband became ill and passed away. I went through the grief amidst the abuses alone. But I don’t deserve any better. That sounds terrible doesn’t it? Psychology keeps telling me that I deserve better, I am enough, I am strong, I am resilient, and all such self-exalting things. But those didn’t help me. They did nothing but give me temporary self-exalting relief that fades once your mind hits reality. BUT once I realized that I don’t deserve any better, once I saw how fallen I and the rest of humanity was, I finally became the recipient of grace – the unmerited, undeserved favor – from the one true God. The way out of the slavery of human will is salvation through grace by faith in Christ alone.

for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,

Romans 3:23 ESV 

among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.

Ephesians 2:3 ESV

I have forgiven Kit Balane many times before God. I just wish more people told the truth and weren’t afraid to do so. But those who are truly saved by the blood of Christ know what God has said:

“The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; Who can know it? “I, Yahweh, search the heart; I test the inmost being, Even to give to each man according to his ways, According to the fruit of his deeds. “As a partridge that hatches eggs which it has not laid, So is he who makes a fortune, but unjustly; In the midst of his days it will forsake him, And in the end he will be a wicked fool.”

‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭17:9‬ ‭-11 NKJV‬‬
Bitterness is usually owing to a deep wrong we have experienced or lots of them, or even most painfully, the same one done over and over and over again. It is intensified usually by the fact that nobody really knows the depths of this besides you. Therefore, the sense of injustice grows. BUT God really knows about this, and he really wants to help us with this. There are four amazing things he tells us to embrace, believe, and ponder in order to fight this. How can I fight bitterness in my life? Read the transcript and listen to the audio via Desiring God.

By Fatima

Artist, Writer, Farmer. Born in Manila, lives in Bohol, Philippines.